Trying To Play Normal

For the last four weeks I have been trying to play "normal." It isn't working. There must not be a normal because I can't see it at the end of the tunnel. Actually, there is not tunnel.

I'm back to work juggling family, work and house. I'm not doing it well. Cancer continues to create into so many aspects of my life. I've heard about dealing with life after cancer. Well I am not yet "after" my cancer, but I am pretending it is already over. I have not yet been released from the cancer agency and handed over to my general practitioner. I still go to chemotherapy treatments but just think it is another medical appointment. I am living in so many ways like I don't have cancer. It isn't working. Now I am not being naive, nor ignoring my situation, I am simply moving on.

I cried at my son's Terry Fox run.

I think that we shouldn't buy a house because it would be hard to manage it without me there.

Cancer is still in my head.

Someone asked me how I was. I usually say, "Just fine." This time around I simply shrugged my shoulders. I don't know how I am doing - or is this what "normal" is?